My Journey from PCOS to George

I'm writing this in Jan. 2022. I don't know when I'll finish it since I'm at home wrangling a 7 week old baby. But I wanted to put into writing what I've been through to get him here. In case it helps someone else and because I don't want to forget it. 

I wrote about it last year after a 6ish-week miscarriage. http://myspanishpipedream.blogspot.com/2020/11/behind-smiles.html

But that post was more about the emotional journey and it was written when I was still very much in the darkness. I want to be more informative about my symptoms and the steps I took to finally have a baby. So if reading about women's body issues makes you go "ew," then you should really keep reading so you can get past that.

My Symptoms and Diagnosis

I think this actually goes back to high school. I had irregular periods. 2 weeks on. 3 months off. And then there were 5-weeks-on that finally sent me to the doctor. Without even looking into the possible cause of it, they gave me birth control. Extremely common in young girls, even if they get a diagnosis of PCOS. I've learned that the pill doesn't actually "cure" PCOS but rather it masks the symptoms, giving you synthetic hormones to mimic the effects of progesterone which helps hair and skin stay full and clear and periods stay regular. I was on the pill for over a decade. One time I came off to see what my body would do, and it never had a period for 3 months so I just went back on. Somewhere inside me I wondered if this was ok. 

Fast forward to pregnancies. 

I got off birth control and got pregnant with Daisy after the 1st cycle. At some point after she was born, I got back on the pill. When we were ready for a 2nd kid, I got off the pill and had some regular cycles. I wasn't doing ovulation tests so I don't know if that happened at first. But by the 4th cycle I started testing. I read that this is common. That PCOS people's cycles are more normal when you immediately get off the pill but then become increasingly irregular. Then at about month 6 - a wreck. 

My 1st sign was I wasn't ovulating and had longer cycles. 36 days and I remember thinking my period color was not right. Rusty and not red. I also learned you can get a positive ovulation test (a spike in LH) and also not have ovulated. That didn't happen to me but I remember learning that. Then the other symptoms like oily hair, thin hair, skin issues kicked in at about 6 months just like the internet said. I went to the doctor. None of my blood work showed PCOS or insulin issues, but with PCOS you don't have to have all that for diagnosis. You just have to have 2 of a long list of symptoms to be diagnosed. Symptom 1) not ovulating. Symptom 2) the ultrasound revealing lots of cysts/follicles in my ovaries. Normal is something like 6 or 7? (I don't remember exactly). I wanna say I had like 16. Essentially, these build up because your body isn't releasing an egg each month. That's a problem because the follicles release hormones that interfere with ovulating. I'm already forgetting if it's FSH or LH but both are affected and that's a problem. The amount of information I took in about hormones and nutrition over the next 3 months was overwhelming and so I've forgotten some of this early stuff.  

Steps to get pregnant: 

MEDS: I started Letrozole - originally a drug to treat breast cancer but it suppresses the right hormones at the beginning of the cycle to let the FSH/LH work to make ovulation happen. I took this 3 months and started ovulating on or close to day 14 right away each month and having cycles that were 28 or 29 days long. I went in after getting a positive ovulation test for ultrasounds to see how the follicle looked. Things were all good and my doctor had told me it could take 6-7 months. You take a pill for 5 days at the beginning of your cycle that suppresses estrogen and LH (I think). So you don't even have to take pills all the time and I didn't notice any difference in my mood or anything when I took it. 

LIFESTYLE CHANGES: Other factors like my anxiety about how I would live with this diagnosis beyond getting pregnant plagued me. I dove into dietary and lifestyle changes. I learned from a couple of websites and podcasts the things to avoid and the things to eat with PCOS. 

This website taught me a lot:  https://smartfertilitychoices.com/free-30-day-pcos-diet-challenge/ (but also gave me extreme anxiety and some disordered eating thoughts/behaviors about diet). I restricted dairy, gluten, sugar, alcohol, caffeine but became equally obsessed with eating enough of certain nutrients. The whole idea is that PCOS is actually a gut issue and inflammation issue - which affects nutrient absorption and snowballs into other health issues including hormone imbalance. A lot of people with PCOS also experience gut issues like IBS or skin issues. Now I am in a healthier place about it. I try not to restrict anything too rigidly (especially since right now I'm breast feeding) but I do limit dairy, gluten, refined sugar. I do almost no caffeine and no alcohol.

This website, podcast and account on instagram really helped me and gave me hope that PCOS could be managed naturally. I have tried some recipes and some products (teas mainly- they help balance your hormones) that I've liked: https://pcostowellness.com/blogs/post 

This website and podcast was also helpful. It had some supplements I tried like prenatal vitamins, DHA, powders and Ovasitol https://pcosdiva.com

Exercise - I switched to "stress-free" exercises as I learned that doing things like running can actually make hormones worse. This was the one easy thing to take in since I hate running.

I switched to cleaner products like shampoos, cleaning products, etc. But I'm not real sure how much this mattered. Also, one of the natural soaps made me have an allergic reaction rash and so I just said, you know what... this can't be the root of the problem. I use some clean products and some not.

STRESS MANAGEMENT: I stopped Letrozole and relied only on my new changes to balance my hormones. It worked enough to ovulate and have cycles on my own. And also enough to get pregnant on my own. Twice. But the thing is, the stress of having this diagnosis and of the pandemic I think prevented me from having real healthy cycles. I was still ovulating on like day 20. I think stress was one of my biggest blocks to getting pregnant naturally and staying pregnant. I got on and off Zoloft in Spring 2020. I increased my therapy sessions to once a week with an amazing woman I started seeing after the first failed pregnancy. I started meditating with the Headspace app. But honestly I never got a full grip on the anxiety I had surrounding getting pregnant. Jan 2021-I hit a wall and was barely sleeping, which resulted in me texting my doctor & calling my acupuncturist in tears one day at school. I got on Wellbutrin and another nighttime anxiety drug Trazadone. The fact that I was so stressed was stressing me out since I knew stress wreaks havoc on your hormones. It was a vicious cycle and I could NOT get out of it, despite trying literally EVERYTHING under the "mental healthcare" sun.

TESTS/SCREENING: After the miscarriage and about a year after diagnosis I went in to get bloodwork on PCOS hormones and I also requested them to check my vitamin levels. My PCOS hormones looked better. Which was interesting because they had not been in ranges high enough to diagnosis me yet, they were improved. This showed what many people online had said. That you can be deemed "normal" but that doesn't necessarily mean your body is functioning at "optimal" levels. My hormones had obviously improved even though a year ago I hadn't been told they needed to (except my symptoms told me otherwise). I highly recommend getting things like magnesium, zinc, vitamin D, and B vitamins tested before diving into supplements like I did. These nutrients are important in fertility but you don't want too much of some of them.

You have to wait 6 weeks before you can even have sex after a D&C and they wanted me to have 2 cycles before trying to get pregnant again. The stress came back and my 2nd cycle was non-existent. I took provera to induce a period (fake progesterone) and then finally got back on Letrozole in Jan. 2021. 

ACUPUNCTURE: In the meantime- the last piece of my puzzle and one I wish I had started from the beginning was Acupuncture. I started at Xmas going to Memphis 2x a week for 2 weeks and then every Saturday for about 3 months. The doctor reiterated what I felt about "optimal" vs. "normal" and how Western medicine (which she has a degree in as a Neurologist) will say someone is healthy, but that doesn't mean they are functioning at optimal levels. Acupuncture is about helping ANYONE get to a more optimal level of health. You don't have to have a problem to see an acupuncturist. If you just want to feel better, have more energy, sleep better, feel like you did when you were 20 - acupuncture is for you. I can't wait to go back. And I really think this final piece helped a ton in my journey to George. It's something I want to keep doing and really wish existed in Oxford. Besides lying on a table under a heat lamp with needles in me once a week, she also gave me herbs to take and told me to do things to "warm me up." I drank only room temperature or hot drinks and I soaked my feet and calves in hot water for about 20 minutes every night. I didn't realize that having cold hands was something I could change. She said it was a symptom of poor circulation (ok that I knew, but I just thought everyone had cold hands) and that we needed to fix it. Anyway, I could talk all day about acupuncture but I won't. It helped with my anxiety and a few times with a back issue I was having. 

If you've made it this far, then I hope you aren't struggling with anything like this right now. But if you are, the only advice I can really give is to keep trying. Advocate for yourself and don't give up. You know your body best. Tons of people struggle with getting their doctor to listen to them. Find a new one if that's the case. I was lucky in that department but it's super common for PCOS and other women's issues to be dismissed or for women to just be told, you can't have children, the end. Listen to your body. 

In hindsight, my feelings about the pill are mixed. On the one hand, it let me live a carefree life without worrying about whatever symptoms would have emerged had I not been on it (hair? acne? weight gain? - there's no way to know, but I imagine some would have). On the other hand, I had no idea what was in store for me if I ever wanted children. So, I at least wish the doctors would have looked into my irregular periods more and told me what I might face one day. Although, I am not sure what all doctors even knew about PCOS in 2000. I imagine not a lot since that is the theme for women's health issues. There are ways to support your body when coming off the pill. Had I known about that and that I needed support, perhaps this journey would've been different. Perhaps I would have stopped the pill earlier and given myself more time. Or not gone back on it at all after having Daisy. Who knows. I suppose the journey of managing PCOS isn't over, but I hope it will be easier without the stress and pressure of trying to have a baby with it. It's possible I may even be at the Gratitude stage for having it (after significantly long layovers in Anger and Bitter Resentment stages) since it has forever changed my wellness habits and how I treat my body.  

 

Behind the smiles

It's been 1 year. Well more than that if you count the months before being diagnosed. But I hadn't spiraled then. Things were in the range of normal. 3 months trying to get pregnant without success. Not a big deal yet. Then a positive pregnancy test followed by bleeding 4 days later. That's the truth behind these 2 pictures from a 2 year-old birthday party on Labor Day weekend 2019. 

Wasn't much more than a heavy period. But now when I see this picture, it's the main thing I remember. Asking Elise for an Advil the night before for cramping. Taking a pregnancy test the morning of these pictures like my doctor said to make sure it was negative. I even told someone that day that we were not getting pregnant. The response: "It'll happen."

Fast forward to Dec. 2019. After 2 cycles of not ovulating, things were obviously wrong with me. I had an appointment but asked for blood work before going. The internet and my gut told me it was PCOS. "Lean PCOS" kept coming up and described me to a T. About a week before Xmas an ultrasound confirmed it. I laid in bed Xmas afternoon crying over my hair (I'd started to suspect it was thinning. This day it was very oily).  But I wasn't in total despair yet. I had a pill (Letrozole) and plenty of reason to think it would help me get pregnant. Some internet searching had led me to start taking supplements. We went to the coast to visit friends and I took about 8-10 pills each morning and peed on ovulation tests. 

This picture from my first visit ever to a casino. A fun night. But looking back at pics I only felt panic at how thin my hair looked.  Maybe it's because it was still wet, but my brain could not listen to that possibility. The spiral begins. I buy a big pill organizer to hold all the supplements.

A nice enough picture from church one day in Jan. 2020. I remember oily hair. Soon after I dove into dietary changes. No alcohol. No caffeine. No gluten, dairy, soy, vegetable oils, sugar, popcorn, corn, peanuts, bananas grapes and apples because they're too high in sugar, chocolate but only 75% cacao or higher, organic, no meat? or only grass-fed meat, sea salt, cinnamon but not regular cinnamon - Ceylon cinnamon, butter? only grass-fed, rice? red or black rice, etc. I start having chest-tightening anxiety. 

How to live like this? Panic after eating an açaí smoothie bowl that had granola.

Joe and I start working out in the garage every night. 

February 2020 - A visit to Taylor Grocery with family was slightly tainted by my new efforts to go gluten free. I love their fried fish. I got grilled. No one had told me anything about diet or supplements. I was left to discover it all on my own. Online. Podcasts and instagram accounts. Facebook groups. People like me that had "healed their PCOS" they said. That had reversed their hair loss. I read that if your hair continues to fall out ... that each time it grows back thinner and smaller and eventually not at all. 

Anxiety spiral leads to more internet searching and extreme purchasing of products and supplements. Joe, "What's in that box?" as another Amazon box arrives.

Me:  "I can't remember." 

Church pancake supper - no pancakes for me.

Packing for a Disney cruise panic. What will I eat? Can I bring loose leaf tea? How to pack all these supplements? Before the cruise I had 2 weekends in Jackson, significant trips. Because I had become desperately attached to being home on the weekends so I could eat healthy. Leaving town meant food insecurity. Where would I eat? What could I eat? 

A late period brought some hope until it started on the last night of the cruise. Crushed again. 

Then along came Covid. Quarantine offered so much time. Too much time. Time to think. Time to spiral. Time to notice every hair falling from my head or every zit on my forehead. Time to make more diet changes. Exterminate the last bit of sugar. No more grapes or gluten-free granola with yogurt. 

No more Go-Freshly lunches. No more Letrozole. I decide I have to find a sustainable way to live beyond pregnancy.

My days are consumed with cramming as many nutrients into my body as possible. Eating and drinking teas, smoothies, mixing powders and things like lion's mane, reishi, ashawaganda into drinks. 

I no longer look at Facebook. The groups I joined for PCOS just give me anxiety.

I mute many instagram accounts. Pictures of maternal happiness = anxiety.

Limit how much I can look at instagram period. I can no longer take in any more PCOS info so those accounts = anxiety. Black Lives Matters accounts = anxiety. Take the MS flag down = anxiety. COVID = anxiety.

Did you know stress makes PCOS worse? Cortisol wreaking havoc on hormones, etc. But PCOS is stressful. Most of quarantine I find myself caught in a stress cycle. PCOS, Covid, and some other heart shattering news I won't go into. I start mediating. 

"You just don't look like you have PCOS."  - This comment from multiple people, including health professionals, is MORE than unhelpful. And just a few weeks on the internet had shown me that women with PCOS look like... all types of women. 

To say I've found a balance feels a little too confident. Going back to work helped. It forced me to find balance. Until the latest pregnancy failed. This makes 3 total positive pregnancy tests that didn't result in a baby, but this one stuck around for about 6 weeks. This one let me hope, caused me nausea, and seemed for real. This one was more than a heavy period. And this one wouldn't end on it's own. 3 weeks of bleeding. 3-4 ultrasounds that only confirmed I was still "pregnant" at least in terms of what my hormones would say, even though the embryo disappeared before there was ever a heartbeat. 1 week a yolk sac was there. The next, nothing. At least I got to be put under for an hour or so to get a DNC. At least I got to be not awake for some portion of this god-awful year. 

Oh cool, you only do DNC's on Wednesdays. Guess I'll just go back to work the rest of the week. The rest of this year. 

Being a bee, 2 weeks post-DNC.

And now I have a whole new set of triggers. There was a time in my life when I had no triggers, but now there are too many to list here. And it feels shitty to list other people's happy instagram-able moments as something that now makes me sad. Sad and angry. Angry at everybody and angry at nobody.

At times I imagined posting about PCOS but only if I could do it from the side of "Hey I found out I have PCOS but it's ok because I'm pregnant." 

Maybe it's because Chrissy Tiegen did it. Maybe it's because Meghan Markle did. Or maybe it's because when they did, it actually did make me feel less alone at a time when that's literally all I feel. Alone. Despite telling friends and family about it. Despite being able to text my doctor whenever. Despite talking about it in therapy for hours. Despite the fact that this happens to 1 in 4 women (I believe that is what Meghan said). Despite Joe's UNENDING support and UNWAVERING shoulder to cry on. I feel alone.

Figuring out how to be both

Jill was my first friend when I moved to Tallahassee.  

She might be one of the first people I ever visited in a hospital after having a kid.

Jill was my first person to text the day morning after I found out about dad.  

She is ... was a beacon of positivity in a life that had seen so much tragedy.  She lost both parents before she was done being a teenager.  

Right as I was starting to tell people about being pregnant, Jill got in a fatal car crash and was taken off life support 2 or 3 weeks later.  I never got to tell her I was pregnant. 

I will not get to talk to her about my dad again.  

I am an ass for thinking anything about how I am affected by her absence. 

I hate that she's not in this world. 

I hate that she's not with her 4 kids. 

I hate everything so much.

She was somehow awake the morning I text her in Sept.  It would've

been about 7 in FL.  I woke up with panic and tears and not ready to text other friends. 

She sent this:

I still have her other texts.  The one I remember is this is going to be hard.  Really she said, 

"Best advice to you though is to love with all your being and allow yourself to receive love with all your being as you go through this.  It will be one of the hardest emotional journeys but if you allow, you will be able to learn more about yourself and be there for your dad with no regrets.  This is all easier said than done."

I was always amazed at how Jill could live her life the way she did with the sadness she had had. 

She always gathered others together:  Xmas cookie swaps, pumpkin carving parties, girls' nights out... I will draw inspiration from her (and others) but especially her when the crap is crappy.  

I also am blogging to use this is as my journal... Jill also said, "Start journaling - it's helped me."

So here I am.

Kitty picture break.

January-- not my favorite.  We went home again for MLK weekend. 

Dad was weaker.  Mom was freaking out about him and the house. 

How am I supposed to be happy about a baby?    I'll tell you how.  

After you get home, cry some more, take a bump pic for the people who are asking, then go to the doctor and get scary dooms day news.  

20 week apt. was 3 days after this.  Big ultrasound. Joe came for first time.  Met the doctor. 

Doctor comes in and I ask her about possible mental health options for me because I just don't know how I'm handling things. 

Then, "the baby has a cyst in it's head.  Sometimes that can be a marker for Trisomy 18."

I crumble inside and am convinced that's what it is.  Joe here's the "98 percent of the time these cyst go away and don't mean anything" and would've probably moved on with his life.  I ruin it.  

There's the other 2 percent.  Why not me?  Why not my baby?  The 2 percent has to be somebody.  

Meanwhile, Katie goes into labor and Ruby is born.  We go by sonic to pick up milkshakes for them.  That's when my control spins out and I'm crying and Joe's crying and I'm ruining it. 

I want a healthy baby.  I want something happy to work out. 

Silver lining, I'm not sad about my dad in this moment.  

We go to hospital and literally see baby Ruby an hour or 2 after birth.  

Katie asks about my 20 week.  I try to gloss over it the first time but later it comes out.  

I tell my sister in law this news on the night she has her second birth. 

I am the Grinch that stole newborn excitement. 

This pic isn't in the hospital but soon after they go home.

All conversation about baby stops.  I walk by the ultrasound on the fridge every day and look at the hands and feet.  

Doc said there were no other markers.  Clenched hands.  Clubbed feet. 

"But that hand is sort of clenched, isn't it?"

Google pics of healthy and unhealthy baby ultrasounds.

Googling is dumb and I do it and I go nuts inside waiting on blood tests that take a week and a half. 

Students at school ask about me and comment with excitement and I just pretend. 

Some people I tell, really depending on my mood... depending on if they ask. 

This quote is what I keep in my head.  This quote and Jill and journaling.  The beginnings of my coping armory that I'm slowly amassing. 

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is burning down the world.  But we marched on a pretty Saturday and baby Ruby was there and it was a happy day despite my doomed baby thoughts.

Thank you, Mary Tyler Moore, for your life.  Your death brought out memories and news stories on you that were uplifting...as well as this quote.   

As if things weren't low enough, while waiting on baby blood work - I get the stomach bug or something.  Then sinus and chest cold attack.  By the end of the week I was as low as I could go and wasn't even adding Dad sadness to the equation.  

I'd have to wait A WHOLE NOTHER weekend before finding out test results.  

Joe moves a mattress into the living room to avoid my sicknesses.  

Sunday afternoon we're napping.  I wake up to the voicemail of good news, results were negative.  

I love you, doctor.  You called me on a Sunday oh my gosh I love you. 

I kick Joe and start spreading the news.  

We can be happy again.  

We can talk about a nursery again. 

We can say things under the assumption that baby will be ok.  

"for now" - says the dark side of my brain.  SHUT UP.

"until the next landmine explodes" - shut up shut UP!

But I do manage to shut that voice up sometimes and for sure 

the next week it is quiet and I am happy. 

For just a moment I am driving home from work, talking to mom about nursery stuff, and I feel it. 

Normal - or a glimpse into what this all would be like without cancer.

It would be so so great. -- Ok now quick back to the quote before I cry

"it's what is happening and not what SHOULD happen."

Juicy is not phased by the good news.... but to be fair she wasn't phased by the bad news either. 

The next week is bliss.  Light and airy and smiles.  

We go to Jackson and see so many friends at council and other places. 

Then mom texts Saturday.  Dad got sick and is getting fluids and is so dehydrated and weak and is going to skip chemo this week and needs home health and physical therapy and I just cry.

Ah, yes.  This is where I live.  This place is more familiar than bliss week.  Pregnant happiness there but buried deep under dad sadness.  But now, the bright side is I am not also stressed about a blood test.  

This roller coaster though - Mrs. Noble.  Science teacher at our school who is also fighting cancer that was also diagnosed in Sept.  She is part of my armory.  

Jill, journaling, quote and Mrs. Noble.  

She's got a strong Jesus/God thing in her that is getting her through

and it is comforting and inspiring even if the words themselves are hard (impossible?) 

for me to believe/find comfort in.  The person she is gives me strength - and that person is fiercely faithful.  

Besides council we 

Saw Mary Ellen  

Watched the Chargers win soccer state championships.  Go Charley. 

And met baby Rue.  

The humidifier came to Jackson with us.  Clearly, Juicy missed it. 

The bump really bumped out around week 22 and 23.  

I was going to take some cuter clothes pics but by the time I get home and Joe gets home -- I'm in these giant, baggy numbers.  Why can't I just wear my sweatpants every day.

Bet just left our house and now it's much more prepared for a baby

This rug and some furniture...

And new stuff for our bedroom...

Mom should be here to but ..."it's not what should happen" -- it's what's happening. 

Also add the new podcast "Terrible, thanks for asking" to my armory.  Thanks, Elise. 

My new skill (or one I'm working on) - How to feel both happiness for baby and intense sadness for dad.  The seesaw isn't working.  Back and forth and back and forth between ups and downs.  

I'm looking for more of a whirlpool of both -- which makes more room for the fear and anxiety to also join in.  B/c they are there... they don't want to be left out.  And they are certainly not leaving any time soon.  

These things I feel...

Jan. 8 2017

Just got off the phone with mom.  I can't talk to her without crying at some point.  Sure, at first we can pregnancy and baby talk and for a moment it's like how it would be if.... the big fucking IF of this year.  IF dad didn't have cancer, that's all we would happily discuss is the slight discomfort of my tailbone while sleeping.  But instead, the moment fades and "So, how's dad doing" is the next question.
He's faint, he's skinny, he's using granddaddy's rolling walker, he's not moving enough...eating enough, grandpa is worried, Lori teared up, grandpa teared up, mom is glad she didn't know Dylan freaked out because she can only deal with so many people's shit.  I know that.  So she certainly can't hear about my shit.  But I don't know who.  Joe just cries and crumbles when I do.  He can't bounce back.  I know he doesn't get a pass.  But in the end, it doesn't help me to crumble to him.

I pretty much laid it out for my friends... but don't think they really get it.  Don't know what I expect to hear in return.  And there's really nothing anyone can say or do to make anything better.

Baby shower -- no.  Why?  What if something goes wrong and there's no baby?  Well, that will be sad then I'll have all this baby stuff and no baby.   But that gives me less anxiety than the other outcome.

What if there is a baby... and mom can't be here like she would've been.  How can she be.  Dad needs her.  I need her to be with dad.  Dad won't be here.  Dad will be tired or sick or dead.  It is my mom's story except she had no mom as her babies were coming.  Why.  WHY.  Why is this my story?   Why did this happen?  The only answer I have is to take it day by day.  No thinking of the past.  No looking at pics of happy, fatter dad.  No thinking of June 1 and how dad will be then.  Just today.  And so no thinking about a baby shower because what if there is no baby but what if there is and mom can't come to the shower.  These are things you don't say to people.  But instead the pretending and smooshing down the anxiety that boils up when someone says "our kids will be in school together" or "this time next year you'll have a baby at xmas"  --- that's if there is a baby.   But if there is a baby... what if then?

So you think you can bump

Beginning of Thanksgiving was the HAMILTON TRIP!   

Lesson learned:  Never ride a bus for longer than 10 minutes.  We left after school on Friday at 4 and got into Chicago at like 2 a.m.   No no never again.

First lunch - Chicago Pizza! Yes, thank you, please.

If there are words to describe how great this experience was -- I'm sure someone else more eloquent has written them.  I cried and cried and still cried later when I got home and listened to the music again.  A tiny bit of drama of a drunk ass yelling in the middle of the play, but nothing could ruin this night.

SO cold.  Not moving to Chicago.  

Sunday night, after a day of touring / sleeping in museums, free time until leaving = adult time, bye kids.  Oh and earlier that day Joe and I feel asleep in the lobby of the modern art institute.  When we woke up, an Asian couple walked up and asked if we were part of an exhibit.  "No, we fell asleep."

The adults ate and drank adult things and my fam stopped by to say hey.  All weekend I was like, 

"Do I tell Carly now?  Do I tell Bet now?  Nah, stick to the plan of wait until Thanksgiving and I'll just call Carly." -- b/c I wasn't quite ready to tell teacher friends. 

What actually happened: 

Small talk, Chicago, blah blah, Hamilton, yap yap. 

Conversation pause. 

Carly:  I'm pregnant

Me:  Silent, wide-eyed and then "Me too"

Lots of squealing- especially from Bet.  

Finally the boys catch on to what just happened and more laughing, loud story telling and photos.  

Lots of happiness.

Needless to say, the teacher friends found out.   Less secrets.  Much better.  

Drove all night and thankfully had the whole break to recover. 

Kitty life - unchanged by new pregnant owner.

They have their favorites. 

Finally started calling people during the break and telling them.  

End of the break wen to Meridian.  Dylan had blurted it out to Matthew on the phone b/c he thought he already knew since Dylan already knew about Carly.  

Matthew and Menton are pretty strong to this Thanksgiving memory b/c a) They were some of the last of that family to find out but mainly b) they came over to see Dad and he fell - or almost fell - when he tried to stand up.  Matthew caught him. 

Low blood pressure and the beginning of the weakening of my dad.  

I'll wait until we leave Meridian to cry about it.  

Friday, we all went down to south Mississippi to "The Old Place" 

Grandpa redid his old family home, where he was born along with his 9 other siblings.  

Florian, Percy, June bug, I can't name them all.  

This side of the family never does stuff like this.  It was great.

Dad came down for lunch with grandpa.  It was hard for me not to be sad to see him interact with my cousins kids.  And watching my uncle Mike be a grandpa.  One time he was pretending to squish baby Helen against the fridge.  Who is going to pretend to squish my baby against a fridge?   

Waterworks start once we are out of the driveway.  

So we call some more people to tell them I'm pregnant.  It sort of helps but when I start crying, Joe cries and he is just totally wiped out from crying... I feel like it's just become another thing I do.  

Oxford Xmas parade.  Year 2 for the blackjack sailing float.  

Her head on his arm.  <3

This is like week 14.  There is no bump.  I thought there was.  

Looks like I'm just showing off my ab workout results. 

6 days later (and not first thing in the morning) - more of a bump.  

We left this day to go to Tishimingo state park with friends.  But then Sat. I started feeling bad and couldn't breathe and was panicking that I was sick and wouldn't be able to come home 

to see Dad at Xmas and we gotta go back to Oxford bye.  

Xmas present for Dixie's daughter - not from us.  We were just the elves.  

Really, I just didn't take many Xmas pictures.  Too sad.  

Why bother?

Xmas picture I took #1 - Matthew's paper crown broke

Xmas pic #2 - someone else took.

Xmas also entailed:  Shaving the rest of Dad's hair off.  Buying tattoos to stick on his head.  

Not crying as much when we left.  Oh and purchasing a humidifier b/c my sinuses are all crazy and it's pregnancy's fault. 

Charley and Katie got a Griswald size tree.  It fell like 3 times. 

Putting Santa stuff together for Keith. 

"Emily, this time next year you'll have a BABY?!"

Me:  Maybe. 

I enter full on doom's day prep mode.  

No one is guaranteed a healthy baby.  

At some point I have my 16 week apt. over Xmas.  

Nothing wrong so far.  

But still.  

Sabatier Xmas morning.  We gave no gifts this year.  It was lovely.  

I am now Scrooge and the Grinch. 

Ann Marie's baby did not come and did not come.  

Then it did... He.  Then HE did.  I'm really bad at itting all over babies.

We took a side bump pic.  But - there's just nothing there worth calling a bump on me.  

Ann Marie is way past the bump stage.  Full on 9 pound beach ball in there.

I made it to Jackson 1 night.  Anna doesn't take bump pics but this is me and her pregnant together. 

Breakfast with the best.  But this trip is when I started to wonder if I should talk to someone. 

Talk of baby names and baby showers only induced anxiety. 

Several levels.  

1) What if something is / goes wrong with baby

2)  Mom will not be able to come to anything

3) My dad has cancer and what if what if what IF

But hey there's a new baby in town so that's happy. 

Banner Stanton.

Rain on homecoming day means Joe and Emily get super creative with decorations.

Linda and Sue helped. 

This was actually New Year's eve day.   Joe did the cups.

Linda made that bow from a table cloth.

NYE was not at our house for the 1st time 2 yeas.  We got dressed up and went to Ajax. 

 I wore a shiny top, struggled to stay awake and then gave in to dancing

to Whitney Houston.  

Took no pics.  Again, why bother?  But hopefully I'm coming out of that phase.  

I took this pic once in bed:

"Joe we gotta have something to remember NYE by."

If only I thought 2017 was going to be better. 

If only I thought anything was going to be ok. 

If only I could just not think.