These things I feel...

Jan. 8 2017

Just got off the phone with mom.  I can't talk to her without crying at some point.  Sure, at first we can pregnancy and baby talk and for a moment it's like how it would be if.... the big fucking IF of this year.  IF dad didn't have cancer, that's all we would happily discuss is the slight discomfort of my tailbone while sleeping.  But instead, the moment fades and "So, how's dad doing" is the next question.
He's faint, he's skinny, he's using granddaddy's rolling walker, he's not moving enough...eating enough, grandpa is worried, Lori teared up, grandpa teared up, mom is glad she didn't know Dylan freaked out because she can only deal with so many people's shit.  I know that.  So she certainly can't hear about my shit.  But I don't know who.  Joe just cries and crumbles when I do.  He can't bounce back.  I know he doesn't get a pass.  But in the end, it doesn't help me to crumble to him.

I pretty much laid it out for my friends... but don't think they really get it.  Don't know what I expect to hear in return.  And there's really nothing anyone can say or do to make anything better.

Baby shower -- no.  Why?  What if something goes wrong and there's no baby?  Well, that will be sad then I'll have all this baby stuff and no baby.   But that gives me less anxiety than the other outcome.

What if there is a baby... and mom can't be here like she would've been.  How can she be.  Dad needs her.  I need her to be with dad.  Dad won't be here.  Dad will be tired or sick or dead.  It is my mom's story except she had no mom as her babies were coming.  Why.  WHY.  Why is this my story?   Why did this happen?  The only answer I have is to take it day by day.  No thinking of the past.  No looking at pics of happy, fatter dad.  No thinking of June 1 and how dad will be then.  Just today.  And so no thinking about a baby shower because what if there is no baby but what if there is and mom can't come to the shower.  These are things you don't say to people.  But instead the pretending and smooshing down the anxiety that boils up when someone says "our kids will be in school together" or "this time next year you'll have a baby at xmas"  --- that's if there is a baby.   But if there is a baby... what if then?