This is part of a Compline prayer in the Episcopalian prayer book. I'm sometimes (or often) not sure what I believe about prayer, God, heaven, etc. and am not trying to figure that out in this blog. But "shield the joyous" has always stood out from "sooth the suffering," "comfort (or do something nice like that) the dying" -- Sometimes I wondered why you'd pray for people who are happy... I mean it's nice but why? However, lately it has been running through my head.
I recently was showing some of my Spain pics off the blog to my Spanish 3 class and when I saw what my most recent post was I had to quickly click another link. I need another post to show up when I come to blog so that the first face I see isn't my dead kitten. So here is this post. I also need to post to get some of the anger and sadness out.
Back in February we found out Moo had a mass in his stomach. We took him to MS state only to find out that mass was cancer. Within 48 hours we went from a "maybe something is wrong with him" to putting him down. Devastated. Utterly devastated. And now that devastation has passed and acceptance (slowly) settles... I have been in a pretty foul mood most of the days of this last month. I suppose I'm lucky that I haven't had to deal with a lot of loss in my life... Ok that's me being bitter. I KNOW I'm lucky. I do. But like I said, I need to get this bitter, foul stench of loss out of me. Losing a pet is a million times different than a person. You get over it so quick compared to humans. But I do think the stages of grief are still there... and at times felt just as intensely.
I miss him all the time still. His sister is ok. (Oh I don't think I ever mention that we found out back in Oct. that Richard Parker is a girl... We found out when I went to pick her up from neuter surgery). For a second there we were worried she might have thing (don't feel like explaining all the medical stuff) but for now, she's ok. Sometimes she's been the only thing that makes me smile and feel ok. But at the same time she reminds me of him. I don't think she has been distraught over him being gone but I do think she is bored. She meows more which usually means she wants to be played with. So that breaks my heart. She's supposed to have a playmate. That was the whole purpose of getting two. I had planned for so long to get two. KITTENS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GET CANCER. I don't want another one yet. I don't know how she'll handle it. Maybe later. I can't tell if I'm glad or sad that I didn't get to blog much about Moo. Mainly glad. I have enough pictures that are hard enough to look through.
When I first got them I was full of so much joy. I spent every afternoon with them as babies when Joe was at football practice. I couldn't have asked for better pets. The joyous do need shielding. Because when cancer or something else comes crashing down on your joy time -- it's obviously a huge blow to the gut. And that joy you felt seems far far away. . .
Ok . . . gotta end on a positive. That's the whole point of this. Climb out of the negative. So, I would like to send out a big shield to all the joyous tonight (see how uncomfortable I am with the words "pray for") ... and now I'm gonna go watch something happy. Maybe I'll try Frozen.
