Exhaustion beyond recognition. I mean there's recognition... I sure as hell recognize this exhaustion. By "beyond recognition" I mean I am so tired I am having trouble recognizing things. Like recognizing I am headed towards the wrong car until I get right up to the door handle. Then recognizing I had not even parked in that area of the parking lot. Not even close. ....That happened today at the gym after my first day of school of my second year teaching high school.
Feelings the same. eyes crossing feeling.. like they are headed to the area between my eyebrows. Like they are moving their to create a uni or something. Anger at having to do extra things that boys don't (drying hair, shaving legs and armpits)... really I get frustrated at the time these actions require of me... and they only take minutes.. that's how precious my minutes become.
small feelings of "i'm not ready" not to the point of terror and insecurity. and I Have no idea what to do. this year i have an idea.. jsut have to organize them. so that is better.
know more faces. good and bad about that. The ones I know are more comfortable with me and therefore talk more or feel more confidence in being laid back and arrogant. It's good though cause we already have a relationship. I love being able to joke around (be sarcastic) with the kids and know that they get me already.
Mrs. West... this time last year . remembering her and how much more time i wish i'd had with her.
More on that. Mrs. West was the teacher across the hall from me. She was very experienced. Older. Much older. larger (taller and bigger). She had short peppered hair and glasses. I just want to paint the picture of her so a I remember her. She mostly wore cotton dresses. During class transitions she stood in the hall (like we're supposed to do but I can never make it there... always doing some last minute work or something frantic like that). But the few times i'd make it into the hall, she was there... telling kids (just passersby, not her own students) to put their ID's on. I'd think "I can't do that.... tell kids I don't even know to put their id's on in the hall??" ... As a second year i can see more now how that is not a big deal. They are all kids. I thought to myself "maybe one day i'll be in a place where my concern can be students' id's who aren't even my students" For the record, i'm not there yet.
Mainly, I remember Mrs. West b/c one day, across the hall, she was looking at me and she asked, "I'm gonna be a mother right now and ask a question. Are you taking a multi vitamin?"
I said no . . . . why? do I look like i need to be?
She said, "yes"
Well that summed up my first year. Looking like I needed a multi-vitamin. Mrs. West retired in Februrary or March of that year. She had some illness that made her dizzy and she carried a cane so she left school early. I hated for her to leave. She had so many years of experience that could field the inundation of questions I had for her... and would still have for her. This year I finally have A LITTLE more time to ask the questions. I wonder if I'll ever be in that spot... if I'll ever make it to that time where I'm sniffin on retirement and staring across the hall at some malnourished newbie... doling out advise and vitamins. Who knows. To be determined. The things is, Mrs West didn't want to quit. She loved teaching. That is an even harder spot to imagine myself in. It's an extremely admirable spot.
Here's to Mrs. West.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
How is my hand like a piece of pie
Cause it's got meRINGue on it!
So it's only been a little over a week since he popped the question but it feels like forever. The 2 days after, I was able to relive the engagement in my head and still feel the adrenaline rush from the surprise I felt when I turned around and saw Joe down on his knee. But after about the 30th time of retelling the story, it just becomes a story you're telling... not feeling.
So I should've written this in those days immediately after... but of course I can still remember everything. Friday night we drove down to camp for P-Staff reunion. Good times with friends that night and then Saturday morning we got up and left the Big House on foot headed towards camp. Joe had slipped the ring in his pocket as I brushed my teeth. I had no idea. I was exhausted and had only been thinking about school (we had just finished 2 days with students). And on that morning I was just thinking about breakfast. It was a little warm but as we got closer to camp Joe said "Let's walk behind the chapel and around back a little bit"
This was not weird to me. We like to try and be healthy and walk some. (on friday afternoon he said "bring something to walk in" .. i said "ummm i'm not gonna do a lot of walking" because I just planned on drinking and sleeping and relaxing. "but I can walk a little in what i'm bringing")
We walked around cabins A B and C. At that point we were talking about a ball box that camp could bring back to the basketball court (cause we were walking by the bball court)... Nothing exciting. Then he said "let's walk over to the bench"--- this bench is where we used to make out in high school (and a bench several other couples claim to be THEIR bench). It's in a great spot by the lake. Far enough away from people. ... So we walked over there. Sure, i thought, why not.
Then I proceeded to tell some idiotic story from the night before. I stopped my story, not sure if joe wanted to sit on the bench or something or just walk by. I was standing behind it when I said "ok can we get outta here" --again, breakfast was the main thing on my mind. I turned towards the dining hall.
He said "hold on you wanna hear something crazy first"
"Sure" i said as I turned and expected to hear some crazy piece of gossip he obtained the night before.
And there he was. Knee down. Ring out. It's amazing how many things your brain can register at once. Here are the thoughts that ran through my mind all at once
oh my gosh. this is happening. when did he plan this. he's been planning this! where'd this ring come from. Look at that ring. This is the story we'll tell. oh my gosh what am I wearing. (neon yellow shirt, neon pink shorts and a lavender hat with Dylan's name airbrushed on it)
Screaming commenced and then hugging. Joe cried first. Then me. THen we sat on bench and talked about: what just happened, how he came about this ring (thanks to Amie and Jason on that one), how he told our parents. More screaming and hugging and smiling.
Amie and Jason (the only people outside of family that knew) drove their mini-van down by the lake after joe text them (amie had been texting all morning wandering if it'd happened). They got out as I was on the phone with mom and more hugs and tears. Amie had a fun happy for us full of t-shirts, drinking glasses with an S, boa, veil, and wedding mags.
Grae walked down to see what was going on. Not sure if he suspected something or just wanted to see what was going on. Then we drove up in the mini with our new outfits on and showed them off to the crowd of girls in the pool.
It was fun to see people's reactions all morning as they stumbled in to the dining hall. They'd look at us weird (pink shirts and a veil) and we all stared at them waiting for the reaction, it usually took me throwing up my hand for it to completely register in their fuzzy morning heads what was happening. Then followed by "oh S&$* or F#$%" more hugs.
So like i said... i relived this in my head several times and could still relive the emotions. That was fun. But teaching has a way of quickly snapping you back down from the mountain. It tends to push all other thoughts and emotions out of the way as it requires 102 percent of my attention. So teach teach teach then I'd remember. Of course monday was fun.... some kids knew already some didn't. some didn't find out til days later. As a teacher you learn that you can't stop teaching for every special occasion. Kids are just waiting for those days. 5th period's idea "we should throw you an engagement party" Maybe this sounds sweet to you... but don't be fooled. That's what they want you to think.. They really just will do anything to not have regular class. And they have no shame.
So fun. Getting engaged is SO FUN!
So it's only been a little over a week since he popped the question but it feels like forever. The 2 days after, I was able to relive the engagement in my head and still feel the adrenaline rush from the surprise I felt when I turned around and saw Joe down on his knee. But after about the 30th time of retelling the story, it just becomes a story you're telling... not feeling.
So I should've written this in those days immediately after... but of course I can still remember everything. Friday night we drove down to camp for P-Staff reunion. Good times with friends that night and then Saturday morning we got up and left the Big House on foot headed towards camp. Joe had slipped the ring in his pocket as I brushed my teeth. I had no idea. I was exhausted and had only been thinking about school (we had just finished 2 days with students). And on that morning I was just thinking about breakfast. It was a little warm but as we got closer to camp Joe said "Let's walk behind the chapel and around back a little bit"
This was not weird to me. We like to try and be healthy and walk some. (on friday afternoon he said "bring something to walk in" .. i said "ummm i'm not gonna do a lot of walking" because I just planned on drinking and sleeping and relaxing. "but I can walk a little in what i'm bringing")
We walked around cabins A B and C. At that point we were talking about a ball box that camp could bring back to the basketball court (cause we were walking by the bball court)... Nothing exciting. Then he said "let's walk over to the bench"--- this bench is where we used to make out in high school (and a bench several other couples claim to be THEIR bench). It's in a great spot by the lake. Far enough away from people. ... So we walked over there. Sure, i thought, why not.
Then I proceeded to tell some idiotic story from the night before. I stopped my story, not sure if joe wanted to sit on the bench or something or just walk by. I was standing behind it when I said "ok can we get outta here" --again, breakfast was the main thing on my mind. I turned towards the dining hall.
He said "hold on you wanna hear something crazy first"
"Sure" i said as I turned and expected to hear some crazy piece of gossip he obtained the night before.
And there he was. Knee down. Ring out. It's amazing how many things your brain can register at once. Here are the thoughts that ran through my mind all at once
oh my gosh. this is happening. when did he plan this. he's been planning this! where'd this ring come from. Look at that ring. This is the story we'll tell. oh my gosh what am I wearing. (neon yellow shirt, neon pink shorts and a lavender hat with Dylan's name airbrushed on it)
Screaming commenced and then hugging. Joe cried first. Then me. THen we sat on bench and talked about: what just happened, how he came about this ring (thanks to Amie and Jason on that one), how he told our parents. More screaming and hugging and smiling.
Amie and Jason (the only people outside of family that knew) drove their mini-van down by the lake after joe text them (amie had been texting all morning wandering if it'd happened). They got out as I was on the phone with mom and more hugs and tears. Amie had a fun happy for us full of t-shirts, drinking glasses with an S, boa, veil, and wedding mags.
Grae walked down to see what was going on. Not sure if he suspected something or just wanted to see what was going on. Then we drove up in the mini with our new outfits on and showed them off to the crowd of girls in the pool.
It was fun to see people's reactions all morning as they stumbled in to the dining hall. They'd look at us weird (pink shirts and a veil) and we all stared at them waiting for the reaction, it usually took me throwing up my hand for it to completely register in their fuzzy morning heads what was happening. Then followed by "oh S&$* or F#$%" more hugs.
So like i said... i relived this in my head several times and could still relive the emotions. That was fun. But teaching has a way of quickly snapping you back down from the mountain. It tends to push all other thoughts and emotions out of the way as it requires 102 percent of my attention. So teach teach teach then I'd remember. Of course monday was fun.... some kids knew already some didn't. some didn't find out til days later. As a teacher you learn that you can't stop teaching for every special occasion. Kids are just waiting for those days. 5th period's idea "we should throw you an engagement party" Maybe this sounds sweet to you... but don't be fooled. That's what they want you to think.. They really just will do anything to not have regular class. And they have no shame.
So fun. Getting engaged is SO FUN!
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