Exhaustion beyond recognition. I mean there's recognition... I sure as hell recognize this exhaustion. By "beyond recognition" I mean I am so tired I am having trouble recognizing things. Like recognizing I am headed towards the wrong car until I get right up to the door handle. Then recognizing I had not even parked in that area of the parking lot. Not even close. ....That happened today at the gym after my first day of school of my second year teaching high school.
Feelings the same. eyes crossing feeling.. like they are headed to the area between my eyebrows. Like they are moving their to create a uni or something. Anger at having to do extra things that boys don't (drying hair, shaving legs and armpits)... really I get frustrated at the time these actions require of me... and they only take minutes.. that's how precious my minutes become.
small feelings of "i'm not ready" not to the point of terror and insecurity. and I Have no idea what to do. this year i have an idea.. jsut have to organize them. so that is better.
know more faces. good and bad about that. The ones I know are more comfortable with me and therefore talk more or feel more confidence in being laid back and arrogant. It's good though cause we already have a relationship. I love being able to joke around (be sarcastic) with the kids and know that they get me already.
Mrs. West... this time last year . remembering her and how much more time i wish i'd had with her.
More on that. Mrs. West was the teacher across the hall from me. She was very experienced. Older. Much older. larger (taller and bigger). She had short peppered hair and glasses. I just want to paint the picture of her so a I remember her. She mostly wore cotton dresses. During class transitions she stood in the hall (like we're supposed to do but I can never make it there... always doing some last minute work or something frantic like that). But the few times i'd make it into the hall, she was there... telling kids (just passersby, not her own students) to put their ID's on. I'd think "I can't do that.... tell kids I don't even know to put their id's on in the hall??" ... As a second year i can see more now how that is not a big deal. They are all kids. I thought to myself "maybe one day i'll be in a place where my concern can be students' id's who aren't even my students" For the record, i'm not there yet.
Mainly, I remember Mrs. West b/c one day, across the hall, she was looking at me and she asked, "I'm gonna be a mother right now and ask a question. Are you taking a multi vitamin?"
I said no . . . . why? do I look like i need to be?
She said, "yes"
Well that summed up my first year. Looking like I needed a multi-vitamin. Mrs. West retired in Februrary or March of that year. She had some illness that made her dizzy and she carried a cane so she left school early. I hated for her to leave. She had so many years of experience that could field the inundation of questions I had for her... and would still have for her. This year I finally have A LITTLE more time to ask the questions. I wonder if I'll ever be in that spot... if I'll ever make it to that time where I'm sniffin on retirement and staring across the hall at some malnourished newbie... doling out advise and vitamins. Who knows. To be determined. The things is, Mrs West didn't want to quit. She loved teaching. That is an even harder spot to imagine myself in. It's an extremely admirable spot.
Here's to Mrs. West.
No comments:
Post a Comment